I have been friends with Mr. Dan Kelly—a man best described as mild-mannered yet evil, and a writer best described as hilarious yet bitter—for twenty fun-filled years. I bossed him around at Lumpen, when I was his editor, and then he bossed me around at Chum, when he was my editor.

He’s a church reviewer. That’s right: he visits churches in the Chicago area and evaluates them according to sanctity, entertainment value, and whatever else occurs to him. At the same time he does a little research on the faith du jour, respectfully exploring their histories. I guarantee you have nothing like it in your bookshelves. It’s funny, intelligent, and weird, just like Dan.

He’s compiled the church reviews he did for the Chicago Journal in a new collection called Hilaretic. You can order the paperback through Lulu, and it’s only $10 or less with the Lulu discount. It’s perfect for your office secret Santa. C’mon, order it! I did!

A recent interview with NewCity Chicago for their Lit section.

Again, Nick Podehl’s fantastic narration for Permanent Record has garnered us another starred review, this time from School Library Journal. “Stella has written a dark, humorous, realistic novel about the effects of bullying on teen life. Nick Podehl’s narration is masterful … The novel is a must-have for all school or public libraries.”

Thanks, Nick, and thanks also to our director, Fred Stella, who is a paisan but no relation, although my father insists that all Stellas are related.

Here. I created this chart to help you determine your failed punk band name. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, there’s other careers.

The blog Route 19 Writers features a unique twist on the author interview. The first Friday of each month, they highlight a novel with a “Five Favorite Things” questionnaire—filled out by the blog editors. On the following Monday, the author of the featured book answers those same questions. It’s interesting to see what resonates with readers, compared with what the author hopes will resonate. On Friday they discussed Permanent Record, so today is my guest post on the blog where I address the same topics.

From Easy Listener magazine, eons ago, which inspired The Easy Hour for me. And to think there was a time when I thought maybe I could make a living writing about easy listening as a lifestyle.  Everything was simple then. Everything was Easy, and I didn’t know it.

Though God knows I fill them out, sometimes I find the quality of Internet memes and questionnaires lacking. So I’ve written my own quiz, for you to finish at your leisure. I’m desperate to know you better. I’ve even made it multiple choice because we’re all busy.

1.  I enjoy Facebook because it gives me the chance to:
   a) form superficial relationships with people I barely know
   b) stalk that crazy bitch who is not paying attention to me
   c) exchange double entendres with people from 20 years ago, hoping they still look the same, and finding myself disappointed when they post recent pictures
   d) expose my desperation through meaningless status updates
2. During my free time, I like to:
   a) go to the grocery store and tell the baggers I need help getting my groceries to the car even though I do not. I make little jokes on the way to the parking lot, just to put the bagger at ease and to show him that I don’t think I’m any better than he is. I don’t tip, but I do thank him warmly and make real eye contact just as if he were a regular person.
   b) cry
   c) stress out
   d) stress out and cry
3. My favorite part of the library is:
   a) preschool storytime, which I attend religiously, though I do not have any children of my own, per se
   b) the part that has not been destroyed due to urine damage
   c) the roving reference librarians, who do not get real desks but must stand at their computer stations all day, even the ones who clearly need to be on disability leave
   d) cleaning up the condom wrappers in the multipurpose room
4. So far, my career has:
   a) not panned out at all in any way that any person could reasonably define as a success
   b) taken what was once optimistic and pure about me and mangled it into a convulsing heap of bitterness, failure, and sociopathic urges
   c) chewed me up and spit me out at the bottom of the porn industry
   d) made the most of my potential for aggravated armed robbery
5. I do not alter my profile pics because:
   a) I am no good at Photoshop
   b) I want that crazy bitch to see what she’s done to me
   c) I want your pity, which might turn into sexually charged banter as we trade comments/Tweets some night
   d) no amount of soft-focus or sepia tone can reverse my bald spot

See if you don’t agree, but the most mundane activities I do around here sound like the titles of Tom Waits songs:

“I Took Down Our Hammock in a Rainstorm Today”
“Scraping Oatmeal from the Bottom of the Pan”
“Saved Old Valentines for Next Year”
“Set Aside that Fish Harmonica”
“Stalled at the End of the Driveway”
“My Keys Dropped Through a Hole in My Pocket”
“Waited for a Train That Never Came”
“There’s a Stone in My Shoe and a Bird in My Chimney”
“Playing with Marbles I Found in the Graveyard”

How about you?

High fives to Nick Podehl, who provided the narration for Permanent Record and garnered this awesome *STARRED* review from Booklist: “Podehl’s reading of this dark and emotionally complex novel is laudable, convincing, and flawless. Deftly creating a cast of memorable characters using varying tones and a slight Middle Eastern accent for Bud’s parents, Podehl easily represents ages, genders, and ethnicities and completely fleshes out personalities  … Listeners are readily able to relish escalating moments of tension, right up to the dramatic conclusion in this extremely compelling production.” Right on, Nick!

What an incredibly fun program we had at the Arlington Heights Memorial Library this week! I got to hang out with a group of amazing teens from the library’s book club and read from PERMANENT RECORD, answer questions about the book and writing in general, and then run a DIY ‘zine-making workshop. We had a fabulous time! I am grateful to my pal Joe Collier for helping set up the event, Liz Mason at Quimby’s for suggesting so many great teen ‘zines for me to hand out, and Kathy Moseley for supplying me with many back issues of her ‘zine, SEMIBOLD, which was a big hit with the teens.