Though God knows I fill them out, sometimes I find the quality of Internet memes and questionnaires lacking. So I’ve written my own quiz, for you to finish at your leisure. I’m desperate to know you better. I’ve even made it multiple choice because we’re all busy.
- I enjoy Facebook because it gives me the chance to:
a) form superficial relationships with people I barely know
b) stalk that crazy bitch who is not paying attention to me
c) exchange double entendres with people from 20 years ago, hoping they still look the same, and finding myself disappointed when they post recent pictures
d) expose my desperation through meaningless status updates - During my free time, I like to:
a) go to the grocery store and tell the baggers I need help getting my groceries to the car even though I do not. I make little jokes on the way to the parking lot, just to put the bagger at ease and to show him that I don’t think I’m any better than he is. I don’t tip, but I do thank him warmly and make real eye contact just as if he were a regular person.
b) cry
c) stress out
d) stress out and cry - My favorite part of the library is:
a) preschool storytime, which I attend religiously, though I do not have any children of my own, per se
b) the part that has not been destroyed due to urine damage
c) the roving reference librarians, who do not get real desks but must stand at their computer stations all day, even the ones who clearly need to be on disability leave
d) cleaning up the condom wrappers in the multipurpose room - So far, my career has:
a) not panned out at all in any way that any person could reasonably define as a success
b) taken what was once optimistic and pure about me and mangled it into a convulsing heap of bitterness, failure, and sociopathic urges
c) chewed me up and spit me out at the bottom of the porn industry
d) made the most of my potential for aggravated armed robbery - I do not alter my profile pics because:
a) I am no good at Photoshop
b) I want that crazy bitch to see what she’s done to me
c) I want your pity, which might turn into sexually charged banter as we trade comments/Tweets some night
d) no amount of soft-focus or sepia tone can reverse my bald spot
